I’ve always had a challenged relationship with my dad. I was too young to remember anything before he left and I guess that’s always tainted my opinion of him since.

I know he tries and I should probably try harder but I just can’t. He did a bad thing in the past and I don’t think I can ever forgive him that.

Tim said to me the other day about being a divorce child but I wouldn’t say I am because I don’t remember my parents ever being together. I have no memory at all, except things I’ve seen in photos, of the five of us ever doing something as a family. I guess I begrudge my dad that.

But at the same time, he’s also probably shaped me to be the person I am. They say the lack of a father figure is one of the things that can turn a child gay. I’m also sickened by the thought of ever cheating on Tim. So I guess he at least instilled a moral compass in me that always points due north.

And I don’t say this stuff to hurt him, I’m not that spiteful. I just have to get it out and I can’t say it to his face (I’m a non-confrontational person) but it needs to be said.

He hurt my mum and I can never forgive him that. But at the same time I can’t hold his past against him forever. People change and I should probably try harder to separate the past and the present.

But see then he goes and annoys me again like he did last week. He phoned up the house to “speak to me” but I know it was actually just to speak to my mum as he could’ve got me on my mobile.

Anyway he asked her if she was going to my grandparents’ party in a couple weeks (she is) and that he takes issues with that and if she’s going, he won’t be. First of all, my granny invited my mum, so she obviously wants her to be there. Secondly, how childish to blackmail someone that you wronged by saying you have an issue with them being somewhere they were invited?

He seems to think my mum doesn’t have a right to be there when in fact she has more right to be there than lorene does. My mum is connected to the family via us. She could’ve stopped us seeing any of his family but she’s not that kind of person (thank fuck or imagine what I’d be like!) and so I think she deserves to see them.

I can’t even process how unbelievable it is to say you wouldn’t go to your own parent’s 50th wedding anniversary. Never mind that but to say you have issue with your ex-wife going when you’re going to take the woman you cheated on her with? He should be hanging his head in shame instead of trying to make my mum feel like she did anything wrong.

She never did, and she never will. Sure my mum has her flaws (*cough*smoking*cough*) but she is an amazing parent and yes I should probably tell her more often but I have issues with saying this stuff, hence the blog!

I honestly believe my mum has always put our well being first and would do anything for us and for that I will always love her.

Ack this has turned into a complete ramble. I don’t say any of this to hurt anyone but simply to get it off my chest in the hope that they will read it. Read it and understand it.